Here I were

Large format photography, transferred images to metal plates, 8 x 10 x 0.185 inches (unframed), 2019



The psychological events I have had over the years have made it difficult for me to believe my own senses. I cannot believe anything I feel or see, such as auditory, tactile and especially vision hallucinations. The brain always lies to me. Who am I? How am I here? Can I even truly say I am here?
When I doubt my senses, I feel like I am slowly floating away. Sometimes I feel like I am floating over my chest. Meditation and breathing techniques can help hold me down to the ground for a moment, but without them I feel as if I am going to disappear at any minute. Do I really exist in my own thoughts?

Whenever I feel empty and floating, I take photos. Rather than insubstantial memories, photos are physical memories that can help prove that I exist.





The darkroom is where I meditate. There is only relative time in the darkroom. It is a place of emotional liberation for me, a place where I am held to the ground and can be sure I exist. Being in the dark in the darkroom, I express the feelings and memories of the day on the surface of film. These images of my daily life capture in reality the things I feel are mere "memories". I can see colors, understand them, and identify them, yet I cannot imagine them when I close my eyes. My imagination is a black-and-white photograph with a color tag, like writing the name of colors on the surface of a black-and-white image.
I can touch the films that I make almost every day. The weight of stack of film! The physical weight as that evidence that I existed! Today I find my peace with this feeling, the weight of my existences.



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